real, raw motherhood
I signed up as a chaperone for my daughter’s most recent camping trip. One evening, I was making my way to the restrooms by tiptoeing behind a group of teenage boys when one of them interjected in my direction: “if you kill yourself, do you go to hell or heaven?” I am rarely speechless but…
Close to 20% of the population in the USA is diagnosed with depression. If you’re standing with 4 other people, chances are at least one is depressed. Assuming it’s not you, can you tell who? My guess is that you can’t. I am very lively. I easily strike up a conversation. I smile a lot.…
Today is my last day as a 44 year old. The COVID 19 global pandemic has defined this past year. Quarantines. Social distancing. Masks. Trying to stay healthy. Trying to stay alive. Hoping that those you love will too. So many people did die. Some I knew: my friend’s father; a long time student of our…
As a kid, I was not naturally organized or orderly. I remember my mom telling me more than once: “I don’t want to see your house when you grow up and how messy it’s going to be!” (Well mom, you got your wish!). Once I became a teenager, I craved order more. In the closet,…
Today marks exactly two months since the last essay I wrote. Much has changed since then. My past remains unaltered but I am building a new relationship with it. The present is once again enjoyable. The future doesn’t look so scary. In the past eight weeks, I have surfaced from “the depths of despair”. I…
Warning! This essay might be upsetting, especially if you know me in real life. I wrote it because writing is how I process my emotions. I am sharing this here and hope it may help others who have suffered similarly. My mother liked to point to the big scar running down from her belly button…
Today is 02/10/2018 and I predict that stress will kill me one day. The worst kind of death possible. A terrible agony that will have started long before my final breath. I’ll be 42 in a month and I have been stressed ever since I can remember. There is a photo of me as a…
We made it to the new year. We’re the lucky ones. Even if you don’t believe in making resolutions, pause a moment and take a deep breath. You are alive. What are you going to do with that life? I plan on enjoying mine. I went through a few dark months in the second half…
We were at the beach enjoying a Thursday lunch picnic. The weather was perfect. Sunshine. Blue sky. Gentle breeze. We had made camp on the sand under the shade of the pine trees. We had feasted on egg filled tortillas, fresh cut vegetables and fruits. Our tummy full, we had lied down for a short…
To read the backstory about the circumstances in which I wrote this essay (3 am on a particularly challenging parenting day), please head here. For the sake of transparency and “artistic honesty”, I decided to publish this essay knowing that I will probably be judged for its content. This is for all the moms who…